do i have to fall asleep, with roses in my hand

mood : thankful
music : Dreaming With A Broken Heart – John Mayer

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever that believes in Him may not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

And that, really is just it. Plain and simple. For truly Lord, what are the things of the world as compared to Your love? What raging seas have You not walked upon just because You loved us?

What is a man if he has not love? What is, anything, without love. Nothing, indeed. Not much, anyway.

But with it, imagine (:

Jesus loves me this I know,
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong

In other news, .. there is hardly any food at home and I am starting to feel quite lonely without it. I really can’t trust my mum when she exclaims we have enough to feed an army, not because she wants to prevent me from eating excessively which I happen to do especially when I’m stressed but because she secretly wants to save money from supermarket shopping. I don’t blame her, CNY was never really a period for practical thriftiness. At least paos aren’t that hard to draw and if you sneak a peek at my economics and english textbook you can see a pao army that keeps me company as I struggle onwards in the fight to study with a grumpy stomach. Haha

i just remembered i’m leaving tomorrow.

mood : contemplative
music : Shy That Way – Tristan Prettyman

I know, I really should exude happiness especially after the post (which is called the happy happy post for a reason) and I think I’ve done a brilliant job in my cover up in my school. Haha

It has been a weird week. During the past see, its not even seven, its five days I have

- gotten over my much misery period over O’s
- travelled to the airport and back by MRT, but that’s besides the point. I miss you zai ):
- gotten upset again by a really stupid incident and ate scoops of ice cream whipped cream chocolate sauce and waffles to ease my pain, only to end up stabbing the last piece of waffle brutally with my fork and rubbing it into the plate.
- written poems again
- blamed my grumpiness in maths class to pms, as girls always do just to excuse themselves but you know its never true
- my emo side translated to a less violent-to-waffles stage and I began to subconsciously create my own little corner in the class. I happen to feel comfortable when I sit in right angles in between walls. (:

See, I knew it. I have mood swings like a pendulum bob. Maybe that was why Physics was ever so compatible with me last year .. hahaha

This entry doesn’t really make much sense, does it. I am just rambling and rambling without much point hahah

I feel like crawling back into my little corner and playing my guitar again when there’s no one around. Its these small things that make me feel better – music, writing, ice cream and waffles, pepper beef lunches, being able to finally solve maths problems that use truckloads of brainpower, talking to a friend, running around madly like you couldn’t really care much about the awful pain in your legs, my red water bottle, .. but there’s always One, who’s eternal. How many times have I stumbled again, and how many times have You picked me up to carry me on Your shoulders.

“and I stand in awe of You.”

the happy, happy post.

mood : contented
music : Love Me – Collin Raye

So we got back our O’s. So, I didn’t do well. So I cried.. about half an hour later after everyone cried. Yea, it did take me that long to finally realise how sad I was. Haha. That was it, then. Or so I thought it was.

As my mother so tactfully said to me, “See, everyone did better than you” “You better run away before your dad comes home” “You are just not academically there” “You just can’t” “You just did not study hard enough”

Encouraging, isn’t it. Just when I hoped that for once, they could see that I wasn’t that happy about it and might offer a little sympathy. Obviously, I was slightly inaccurate in that judgement. But ohwell, there is only so much one can cry. Because I realised, there really isn’t nothing I can do to change it and I could choose to continue being upset over it or. I could choose not to.

Here are five reasons why nobody should remain sad about their results.

1) The fact that you didn’t get what you hoped only shows that you still can improve. As long as you continue to keep trying, working, one day you’ll be able to achieve the top. Slowly, but surely. Remember, life is unfair but God is faithful.

2) It really isn’t worth mulling your whole entire life over. I mean, look around you! There are other much more meaningful things than this piece of paper. Though as important as it is, it is still a paper at the end of the day.

3) You can always top this year. Haha (:

4) There is already far too much sadness going around in this world. Why contribute to it? All you need is a little effort (this burns calories! every little bit helps, haha) to smile. (: Joy, is vital! You never know, someone out there will need cheering up and that’s when you can come bouncing along, radiating like a ball of sunshine and spread the joy of God to him/her

5) Most importantly. Everything is in God’s control. You gave your best, He did the rest. Even though it might not have worked out the way you thought was best, remember our human understanding is limited. He knows what is best for us and His plan surpasses anything we can ever imagine (: He will carry us through.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

Hee hee. I know, as Panda put it, I always sound like some pompous soldier. Haha

But it is true. If you think about it. No point being sad, whatever happens. You did your best, and God loves you, no matter what your results were. What more can you ask for? (:

but, in other news.
stay safe.

there’s always something in the way.

caution: the following post would be extremely emo, so don’t read it. anyway, it isn’t meant for anyone that would be reading it. i’m just writing it here because .. i don’t know.

mood : regretful
music : Psalm – Joseph McManners

Do you remember? This was the song we played for you, because of you.

They always told me I took after you.

Do you remember the time I made you sad, because of my childish and selfish ways? I hope you don’t, but I can’t forget it either. The times I lied to you, just to get my way with things. The times I felt jealous just because I wasn’t your favourite, the times I felt ignored just because you never looked at me. Yet you still loved me, simply because I was a child and sins are understable, and forgivable – but does that include loneliness?

I remember the day you left us. I went home, expecting you to uphold your promise – you promised not to leave when we weren’t there. But you broke your promise, and you did leave when I turned my back around, just for that moment. Maybe it was better that way – because if I was there when it happened, perhaps I would not be able to let you go. No, I would not have let you go, I would have gripped you as hard as I could and my tears would have been a million times more.

Instead, I received the news when I was in my room. They told me not to tell my sister, in fear of dampening her day. I was stunned – and I told my sister anyway, after perhaps ten minutes of shock, because she had the right to know the truth, a right she earned by loving you. It was then when my first tears fell, and hers as well. We crouched in the corner of my wardrobe, and I tried to comfort her but it did not work because I did not believe a word I was saying either. So we cried more, until our bodies broke and our hearts bled with sorrow. You had gone, and that was that.

Remember how I wrote you poems? The poems were a part of my heart. Every night, when you were still around, I went to your house to give you poetry. I thought, maybe my heart could save you but it did not. I knew my heart was not much, yet you still told me how much you loved it, and how much you appreciated it. I knew every word you said was a lie, and you wished that I was not there, yet you still loved me enough not to hurt me. I wish I had done the same to you. But my selfishness prevailed.

When you finally left, you took my heart along with you. Every single word I had poured out every night into those poems was like my heart, vessels of failed optimism and unwillingness. Since you could not return, you could not give my heart back as well. Here I wait, completely empty. Yearning for the day I see you again – not because I want my heart back, but because I want to give you everything else I owe you – something not even my heart can make up for.

I remember watching everyone cry at your wake. I remember telling myself to smile, simply because I knew you wanted us to be happy for your pain was gone! (but ours had only deepened, or did it?) I remember trying to read out one last poem to your cold lifeless body, but I could not bring myself to because those were barely words, that was barely a paper. You deserved more than that – something which none of us could give, and I was/still am glad that you found your peace at last through God. Still, I cried. Everyone else cried as well.

Its been so long since you’ve gone, yet somehow recently that I feel the emptiness I had felt during the first few days. I remember my last conversation with you – I was sitting by your bedside, and we were talking about mad people. You told me you weren’t insane, although everyone else believed you were, and that the sickness had destroyed your rationale. I believed you, and maybe it was because I was crazy enough to, but still I believed you.

You shared with me one verse then. One you had lived your life by, and strangely it was the same one which I had lived my life by as well. That, I shall keep safe with me. For that is perhaps the most I can do now.

“Yea, though I walk through the valleys of the shadows of death
I will fear no evil;
for You are with me!
Your rod and Your staff comfort me.” – Psalms 23:4

I wish you well, and I wish you love. Unlike everyone else, I think I am perhaps the only one who has not really let you go yet. For I haven’t said goodbye, not really anyway. If I whisper it, would you be able to hear it from where you are, high up in the skies?

Now, you’re back ironically, in the form of my friend. Someone who I will lose, again as if your loss was not painful enough. Of course, this time it will not be forever – unlike yours – but that does not make the pain any better. How funny it is, the way I always seem to lose the people closest to me.

Maybe in ten years I will move on, maybe even five. Maybe tomorrow – but never now. For that, I am sorry.